Banning Hydrogen Hydroxide and Other Chemicals
We don't want any chemicals in our food and beverages!
It has been brought to my attention that vitamin B12 is usually something called cyanocobalamin. You know what that means? It means that bacteria are fermenting cyanide into chemicals in a lab! Vitamin D3 is also rat poison! That’s right, D3 is something called cholecalciferol, which isn’t even fermented from rat poison, it’s just used it rat poison because it’s toxic to rats! If it’s toxic to rats, how can it ever be all right for human consumption?
This has brought my attention to another highly pervasive chemical: hydrogen hydroxide! Hydrogen hydroxide is the main component of acid rain and 100% of people who drink it die! How can this ever be good for you? Luckily, I’ve seen a recent bill in Congress lobbying to ban hydrogen hydroxide! Good! Just look at that diagram above, you can see there’s both an acidic version and a basic version! How can that ever be good for you? The worst thing I heard about hydrogen hydroxide is it only comes from meteors and nuclear reactions! How can anything that’s meteor juice or bomb juice ever be good for you? I don’t want to drink something from a meteor or a bomb, especially if it’s the main component of acid rain and 100% of people who drink it die!
Luckily, I can eat real, natural foods, like McDonald’s burgers, Coke, Oreos, and Bud Light instead! The official sponsors of the Super Bowl, made without any chemicals! No chemicals, I’m lovin’ it! I heard McDonald’s will also have to stop selling the apple slices, since they contain cyanide as well just like vitamin C supplements! Good riddance, now I can get my vitamin C from a potato like a French fry just like the Lord intended instead of these apple slices that have cyanide!
I heard Bud Light is removing hydrogen hydroxide in accordance with the bill too though! It must be removed and replaced with more good old beer! Just like Coca-Cola is having it removed and replaced with more Coke! Same old formula, just free from hydrogen hydroxide! However, I heard the biggest problem is removing the theobromine from Oreos! Did you know theobromine is toxic to dogs? If it’s toxic to dogs how could it ever be good for you! I heard Oreos have used a certain tropical psychotropic stimulant plant called Theobroma cacao! In addition to theobromine, which can’t possibly be good for you, that also sounds like cocaine! Eek! I hope Oreos remove all the Theobroma cacao from their formula! After all, Coca-Cola used to have cocaine too, but now we know that’s bad! I hope they add extra milk, like from a cow! Hopefully that cow will be fed only on Brawndo and not on hydrogen hydroxide. Brawndo: It’s got what cows crave! It’s got electrolytes!
That you Congress for finally doing one thing right and banning all the chemicals from our food! We won’t have to eat those horrible chemicals anymore, just good old burgers from McDonald’s and Burger King, Oreos, Bud Light, and Brawndo! No one else shall ever die from hydrogen hydroxide and other horrible artifical compounds again! I shall be able to complete the Mikhaila Peterson beef and vodka diet at last and improve my health instead of ingesting all this rat poison, dog poison, and cyanide!
See also: Gravity: It’s Only a Theory! Jumping off a building is great as long as you say WAAAAAAAAAAAGH! first! Make sure you’re psychically bonded to the God-Emperor of Money first though or you’ll commit some serious HERESY! At least Heresy Chocolate no longer contains any Theobroma cacao with the horrible theobromine that’s dog poison at least! Just extra cow milk and electrolytes from cows fed with Brawndo! Brawndo: It’s got what cows crave! It’s got electrolytes!
Edit: Maybe, if we get the climate to stop changing and stop being so warm, we can replace this horrible synthetic hydrogen hydroxide with all-natural ammonia or hydrogen sulfide since industries will stop having to use it! Why did we have to make the Earth so warm and cause the climate to change so much?
I agree 100% with the premise of this article, i.e., no chemicals in our food and water. I appreciate you writing about these important topics. However, lately I’m coming across some misconceptions about Vitamin D.
D, misnamed a “vitamin”, is actually a stercosteroid with powerful effects in multiple body systems, including endocrine and immune. When cholesterol in our skin is exposed to UVB radiation, cholecalciferol is synthesized. This is an intermediate metabolite of the bioactive form of Vitamin D, 1,25-dihydroxyvitamin D. Cholecalciferol is not rat poison.
However, like Vitamin K, D plays a role in hemostasis. Specifically, it has anticoagulant effects by down-regulating tissue factor and up-regulating thrombomodulin. I am no expert on rat poison, but I do know that cholecalciferol given in high doses to something as small as a rat will induce what amounts to uncontrolled bleeding via its anticoagulant effects. Vitamin K is used similarly. This is a prime example of how even substances that are biologically natural and known to be essential to good health may also be toxic in the wrong dose (or may be antithetical to good health in a different organism).
As for Gravity.
It is not the fall or length of fall that's problematic. It's how suddenly you stop.
Gravity doesn't kill. Stopping suddenly does.
Dihydrogen Monoxide is deadly too!
It is the main component in acid rain!
DHMO, kills, it's in our water!