I'm Being Sent to the Penal Colony!
Thanks, Tasman Credit Corp!
20 Looking at his disciples, he said:
“Blessed are you who are poor,
for yours is the kingdom of God.
21 Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
22 Blessed are you when people hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil,
because of the Son of Man.
23 “Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their ancestors treated the prophets.
24 “But woe to you who are rich,
for you have already received your comfort.
25 Woe to you who are well fed now,
for you will go hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
26 Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you,
for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets.
Luke 6:20-49
I regret to inform you that I am being sent to the penal colony, and as such, I will no longer be able to meet with any of you in-person, except for those of you are also being sent to the penal colony.
Today, I found a message in my inbox stating that the $1,843.51 worth of debt I have has been sent to the Pre-Legal Department. However, I don’t have that much sitting around. At first I thought, snap, I’m going to go to jail unless I find someone to give me the money to pay that off quickly. I can’t go to jail, I thought, how else will I ever pass the visa applications I want to send off to New Zealand and Australia and see which one I get into, even though most likely it’ll be New Zealand since I’ve heard Australia has been restricting immigration recently?
Then I read and reread the message and I saw it was from Credit Corp Solutions Inc., “(Also licensed in certain jurisdictions as Tasman Credit Corp and Tasman Credit.)”
Then I thought, wait, Tasman, Tasmania. Tasmania is in Australia. Australia used to be a penal colony, and the main so-called “crime” that got people sent to Australia was being too poor to pay your debts. Once I heard that that was the so-called “crime,” that was the reason I became unafraid to go to Australia or New Zealand (whose ancestors are mostly people who moved over from Australia) in the first place, because that’s not really a crime, and has no correlation with violent crime. Indeed, Australia has one of the lowest crime rates in the world, and New Zealand, which mostly consists of people who moved from Australia, famously has the lowest corruption index of anywhere ever.
This so-called crime of being too poor to pay a debt because there are no jobs here is the same so-called crime the debt collectors want to charge me with, and from Tasman Credit Corp no less! I’m not getting sent to jail, I’m getting sent to Australia! I thought I was going to have to save for a plane ticket, a visa, a moving crate or half-crate, lodgings, food, and the general expenses of long-term international relocation, but it turns out I’m getting sent to Australia the old-fashioned way! I’m sure that’s totally still a thing! We shall escape the Northern Hemisphere Chinese Debt Matrix where you get charged $12,000 for healthcare and $90,000 for college (or more!) so people can buy tens of thousands of dollars of Chinese junk at your expense with Australian Morpheus, because outside the Northern Hemisphere Matrix, you still get sent to Australia for debts! Silly Northern Hemisphere Matrix people, taking the Blue Debt is a Crime Pill, and not getting sent outside the Matrix to Australia by Australian Morpheus. As soon as your realize that if you live in North America, the government is subsidizing Chinese goods by offloading the costs onto education and healthcare, and if you live in Europe or much of Asia, the government is doing the same thing but offloading the costs onto housing, vehicles, and food, you wake up from the Northern Hemisphere Matrix and get sent to Australia. But first you have to become a convict in the Northern Hemisphere Matrix, just like olden times.
I’ve found the secret Australian recruiting station and now I’m finally getting punished by being sent to the penal colony, where I’ll be able to afford healthcare and education as well as cars and housing and there will be actual food even if it’s a little more expensive! Oops, I mean, I won’t be able to buy as much Made in PRC junk to clutter my house with and try to get rid of because it won’t be subsidized by the government which jacks up the prices on everything else to compensate for importing it and going into trillions of dollars of debt without getting sent to the penal colony unlike me with my $1,843.51 worth of debt! I won’t have the benefits of artificial chemical additives that NIST says are exactly the same as naturally-occurring ingredients that aren’t chemically the same (such as monosodium glutamate vs. l-glutamine) in my food, or be able to get the most expensive healthcare and education on the market, only cheap awful education and healthcare that can’t possibly be very good if it doesn’t cost much!
I signed up for a mission trip to Costa Rica and I actually entered a background check thirteen days ago. I passed and it came up spotless. Out of curiosity, I was looking up the cost of a flight from San Jose to Auckland, even though I haven’t applied for my visas to New Zealand and Australia yet, just to see if after I got the money for one, maybe I could save some money, and lo and behold, if I did get a visa, I could probably save a few thousand dollars by flying from San Jose to Auckland if I got a visa to New Zealand and not Australia, which is what I largely expected since Australia has been restricting immigration while New Zealand has been encouraging it, though I haven’t even asked permission yet since I don’t actually have the visa due to not being able to afford it yet, even though I’ve been working on selling things and trying to self-employ and come up with other jobs for other people, but I’m not going to be able to get out of $1,843.51 worth of debt in probably a couple of days before I become a thug and get sent to the Outback for being a thug.
What a difference less than two weeks makes! Being in $1,843.51 of debt was spotless less than two weeks ago, but now I’m a thug! Most Americans are in about $38,000 worth of debt, but you see, they pay theirs off and then keep taking out more, which is good for the Chinese Communist Party, I mean capitalist American society, while I’ve had the exact same $1,843.51 worth of debt for a couple of years, which is bad for the Chinese Communist Party, I mean capitalist American society. So, I’m a thug now, and I’m being sent to the Outback by Tasman Credit Corp for having become a thug in less than two weeks.
Costa Rica Mission Trip (Write my name if you want to help fund me on the trip I passed my background check for right before being threatened with being sent to the Outback for becoming a thug worthy of being sent to Australia.)
It turns out, I probably won’t need the visa, I probably sadly won’t even need to go from San Jose, because I’m being sent to the penal colony! And here I was thinking that people usually migrated from New Zealand to Australia, either because they were born in New Zealand and are part of the “brain drain” trying to save money by going to Australia, or because they are from abroad and using New Zealand as a gateway to Australia, but I’m getting sent to Australia the good old-fashioned way, so that doesn’t apply to me. If I end up in New Zealand it’ll be because I got sent to the Outback for being a thug, right after completing my spotless background check to help serve people in Costa Rica.
I need to steal a slouch hat and practice my accent real quick. I’ve never stolen anything in my life before, since, as I said, I just completed a background check to do mission work in Costa Rica, but I’m a thug now and I’m being sent to the Outback for being a thug, so I need to practice stealing things, loitering around the Sydney Opera House, kickboxing kangaroos, taming crocodiles to defend myself from the wildlife and the other Aussie thugs, throwing boomerangs, talking in a broad Australian accent, calling everyone “mate” and especially “cunt” without flinching because that’s not a curse word in Australia, bungee jumping, playing the digeridoo to distract dingoes, and bungee jumping from the Sydney Opera House in a slouch hat with my tamed crocodile sneaking in from below to steal things from the other Australian thugs who I will have to throw boomerangs at while calling them “cunt” in a broad Australian accent and distracting the guard dingoes with my digeridoo playing. Them’s the rules, even though it’s Australia, and obviously you get sent there because you can’t follow the rules and you’re a thug, or you wouldn’t be in $1,843.51 worth of debt for two years, unlike the US government, which has been in $36 trillion worth of debt for two decades, which is totally fine because it benefits the Chinese Communist Party, I mean American society, unlike my debt, which is only worthy of me being sent to the Tasmanian Outback by Tasman Credit Corp as punishment for being an antisocial psychopath.
On the bright side, all the bungee jumping in the horrible penal colony with the other thugs will make up for the fact the Costa Rica mission trip people decided not to zipline even though we had a vote and technically the pro-zipline party won numerically but it was vetoed. I haven’t even seen Crocodile Dundee yet, so I better get on that too, since I heard there will only be one TV on the entire Outback for people to watch Crocodile Dundee, which has so little power it can only be operated once a year on the special occasion of Australia Day, and I should get familiar with it in advance. I also need to eat at Outback Steakhouse at least once, because we all know, that’s the only food in all of Australia besides kangaroos and dingoes that you kill by throwing boomerangs at them. Outback Steakhouse is definitely popular in Australia and representative of Australian cuisine that isn’t kangaroos and dingoes that you kill by throwing boomerangs at them, the reason there are only six locations in all of Australia is just because Australia is basically all Outback terrain so people only get to eat at the steakhouse on Australia Day when they watch Crocodile Dundee. Also, since it’s Tasman Credit Corp, I’m being sent to Tasmania for being a thug who totally just doesn’t want to pay my debts rather than not being able to due to the fact there are no jobs, but we all know Tasmania’s definitely Outback and not an entirely different region.
I better get on learning “Advance Australia Fair” too. Since I heard New Zealand has just passed Singapore as the best place to start a business and I was planning on registering my business I wanted to use to help employ my friends and family who can’t find jobs there (and I can’t find a job either, which is why I’ve been doing this, and why I can’t pay my debt,) I’ve also been running around singing the New Zealand national anthem because I actually want to go to New Zealand even if I also want to go to Australia, and I’m sure my neighbors are tired of “E IHOWAAAAA ATUUUUUUUUUA,” but I’m getting sent to Australia first for being a thug the good old-fashioned way, so I have to get my Australian lore rounded out as well. I’m going to need to know both anyway, even if Australia and New Zealand are supposed to be different countries despite how many people both inside and outside think of them and the fact that, if you think the definition of a country is its ability to print currency, Australia and New Zealand share the same dollar. They’re still separated by the distance between England and Greece even if they play against each other in rugby, make fun of each other, and can visit each other effortlessly if you have a citizenship or visa in one or the other, and have different governments, and people cancelled naming anything in Australia “Wellington” even if “Manuka” is fine as long as you pronounce it differently to make sure. The sea is also called the Tasman Sea, so I guess I could be getting sent to New Zealand by Tasman Credit Corp, but I’ve only ever heard of people being sent to Australia for being in debt, not New Zealand, and I’m so used to hearing the news and other media call it “the Gap” at this point I almost forget it’s even officially called the Tasman Sea.
If you like, you can use this link to help me not get sent to the penal colony. Please don’t use PayPal, because it was designed by South Africans to circumvent the government, and I’ve never met a nice South African, and that’s not bloody surprising, man (cunt?) Then, buying me enough coffees to keep me out of the penal colony doesn’t help the BRICS very much either, and you need to due your duty to your god and country of Xi Xinping to be a good American citizen, don’t you? But I still prefer to avoid the South Africans, so please donate above! Make sure I don’t get put in prison like Breyten Breytenbach, the nice South African!
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On the bright side, we know for sure why Elon Musk and Peter Thiel are white even if they’re from Africa: because they hate black people. That’s why we don’t ask people why they’re white, Karen.
It's called Austjailya