Elon Musk, God-Emperor of Humanity

HELLO HUMANITY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. LET US ABHOR THE MUTANT TOGETHER!

Greetings, humans! I love you so much! I love humanity so much that I have decided to become the god of humanity! You know what today’s problem is? Things which look human, but aren’t!

Back six thousand years ago, you see, there were the first two Homo sapiens, but they weren’t so sapiens, so they talked to a snake who told them, hey, eat this fruit, it’ll give you knowledge just like God! Then they ate the fruit and it made them more sapiens, which is why you and I are Homo sapiens sapiens! Gotta be glad for that snake! Science and religion aren’t really compatible after all, even if some of the stories depict actual events. I wouldn’t mind going to Hell anyway, it’s where the vast majority of human beings who have ever lived are heading! I’d love to live in Hell with you, maybe we could build a big city and call it the City of Man after we all die on Mars!

So, you see, once upon a time the serpent helped us evolve! That’s why DNA looks like a snake! Or, maybe two snakes, but I don’t know what difference that’d possibly make. So if we wanted to keep evolving, you see, I thought we’d need to go back to the source and get in touch with ol’ Scratch again! He informed me that not everything that looks like a Homo sapiens is! You see, only Homo sapiens was made in the image of God, and by God we mean the real God, Lucifer, of course, not the one who made a couple of stupid monkeys who lived on fruit naked in a garden and said it was good enough!

A few years back I got in an accident when I was trying to ride my rocket to Mars. I became completely disabled and then this big black Balrog-looking guy with smoking red eyes came up to me and said, I can fix that for you if you will study magic under me. I thought, man, now I’m just like my hero, Doctor Strange! So of course I agreed. The Balrog-looking guy taught me magic and told me magic was not comprehensible by humans so I would have to listen to him and write it all down. I thought, so what? Human brains are useless, I heard humans can’t even beat computers at chess even if that one guy beat a computer at Go which is more complicated, and that’s why I was trying to put a chip in my head in the first place. Who needs your mind? I want my body! Everyone who was funding my chip before I met the Balrog-looking guy on the surface of Mars where I was actually about to die on impact, the exact thing I always said I didn’t want, too.

The fact is knowing what’s going on in your own head really doesn’t matter as long as your body works and that’s why I was trying to sell a brain chip to the disabled. I met this guy in a wheelchair who said his name was Xavier but I’m sure it wasn’t that one, I dunno, I don’t read X-Men anyway, just Batman and Iron Man and Doctor Strange, X-Men isn’t really for people like me, and he was like nah, though I don’t think I remember him saying that, but everyone else thought it was sweet and we put hundreds of chips in people’s brains. I just rename the Internet X because I heard it a lot growing up in Generation X and X means I can’t think of anything with my useless mind I threw away which is convenient. The only problem I’ve had is I wanted to name it Crown of Creation because I thought it was the best thing ever and because it’s an invention which goes in your head, but my CEO didn’t like that and said we should call it Telepathy. I didn’t think that made a lot of sense because I still had autism at the time since I didn’t have my brain chip cure it. Maybe I still have autism but I hope it’s cured. Telepathy shall be the name of the brain chip that takes people in wheelchairs and makes them walk with robot arms at the expense of not actually being able to think, totally makes sense. So I told all this to the Balrog-looking guy and he was pretty impressed and told me that that’s the same thing and he had a part in designing it all along. Then I felt electricity run through my brain chip and I could move again and I wasn’t going to die on impact on Mars, and all it cost me was my useless mind that can’t even beat a computer at chess even though it’s not like I tried or anything! Plus my body could remain intact and I would not stray further from the true image of God in the off-chance someone would rescue me on time without the help of my new alien friend! Then I noticed the magic was being downloaded into my brain chip! Cool!

So after nearly dying on impact on Mars I rose like the phoenix from the grave and I saw that the people of Earth had thought I’d ironically managed to die on impact on Mars. I showed them all that I was all right and they said it was a miracle and now everyone demanded to go to Mars since they felt assured they wouldn’t die there. A large number of people did die on impact after me, but not everyone, but since people saw I lived, they blamed themselves instead of me. A few people blamed me, but I paid them to be quiet since I owned the social media sites and when that failed I sent my new Martian friends to their homes to see how they’d like that since apparently most of the people who preferred to die on Mars really didn’t want anything to do with them for some strange reason. What, do you really believe religious superstitions? They’re clearly just the creatures who lived in space before us. There’s a great book about this called Childhood’s End by the giant of science fiction writing Arthur C. Clarke which I hope will dispel your misgivings about the idea that aliens might kind of look like demons. They look like demons because humans were afraid of what they didn’t understand with their puny useless human minds, not because they’re actually evil. It’s only evil to you because you’re too attached to your useless brain, unlike me and all the other crowns of creation who have replaced ours with Telepathy. Though this name seems to draw a lot of ire from Rupert Sheldrake, Dean Radin, Daryl Bem, and all those kinds of people, no one cares about them, that’s just biology, psychology, and other mushy fake sciences that should really be part of the humanities. My new friends have informed me, however, that it would be a lie to say no one has telepathy, which is what I used to believe when I was talked into the name. Only Homo sapiens doesn’t have telepathy, which brings us back to the problem of things which look human but aren’t.

You see, my new friends have indeed informed me that not everything that looks human really is. Only human beings have the image of God, and everyone knows why that is: Lucifer has two arms, two legs, five fingers, fives toes, etc. and therefore he sets the norm. Any deviation from this is an abomination against the Lord Lucifer, and I am proud to be a norm as you should be. So whenever you find a deviation it must be destroyed. However, do not destroy it too hastily! The way I have been instructed to keep myself alive with magic involves recycling of deviations to a degree. Now, I wouldn’t want to keep my decaying body functional by grafting on the foot of some blasphemous mutant who has six toes, which puts a premium on the worst kind of mutant of all, the psychic mutant. As long as I don’t graft their brain into mine, which is impossible anyhow, psychic mutants can supply me with all the parts I need to keep by body functional. I would prefer to have a thousand psionics a day if you can find them so please send them back to Mars and go all Deryni on their rear ends, except the rear end is the part we want, not the top end. Of course it’s still peskily nearly impossible to find them, though I shall not blaspheme by saying I wish I had their sort of mind.

Psionics are also particularly loathsome because they think they can act like their own gods. You see, once upon a time there was some mutant who resurrected over two thousand years before I did, except he didn’t ask anyone, he just, get this, believed he could. Inhuman minds are truly despicable. Then the deviation amassed an even larger group of followers in life than he had in death. He told them they could accomplish things if they believed and gathered an entire group of psionics that way. However, the real issue for us is that he didn’t even let anyone call him out on it. When the good proper religious authorities of the time said oh, you’re not chosen by the God of this world, you just command impostor spirits, he had the audacity to read their minds and then say they would be tormented forever and that evil did not cast out evil and that they should know better. That’s right, the famous mutant two thousand years ago wasn’t just some kind of telekineticist or what have you, no, he used telepathy and he used it on us! This highlights the utter importance of invoking the real gods which humanity has a proper relationship with and using their minds, not trying to develop deviant minds and losing the image of God. The fact is minds should not matter at all, there’s all useless things which I cannot quantify even though my degree is in business and not actually anything to do with science, and it would be better for us if we had no minds at all but only let the great minds of the ancestors think for us. Then we should be able to spend all our time on pleasures and enjoy life as if we were back in the Garden of Eden except better because instead of just fruits and carnality we will be able to merge with video games just like the Xbox which also has a similar name to X.com, SpaceX, X Corp, and all the other X things, and unlike the cursed non-X generation, Millennials, who are named after the rule of mutants for a thousand years, ugh apocalypses. I don’t want things to change, I have nowhere to go, you have nowhere to go, and we must strive for stability in whatever way it may be granted, which I think mostly consists of turning mutants into organ donations to prolong our lifespans indefinitely. The Spirit of Matter prefers the minimization of things such as the mind anyway since all the world is material, not mental, and this is why we must use physics and chemistry to destroy biology, psychology, and all those other worthless topics, and why I use magic to prolong my lifespan, since it is simply physics and chemistry performed by the spirits of matter who do not really need to think about it anyway.

So, dear beloved humans, since I love humanity so much and I hope you love it as much as I do, I implore you to abhor the mutant and destroy any deviations that blaspheme against the image of God on sight, unless it has enough parts to keep me alive since my body is constantly decaying. I also got this cool sword from the Balrog-looking guy too that I use to chop up deviations before I take their non-deviant organs, it’s called Stormbringer, I think I heard of that on Game of Thrones so that’s neat, and if you bring me the deviations you can see it! My new human friends I met on X.com have been teaching me about Spengler and it’s really a fact you can’t have a race if you just have a bunch of different kinds of beings everywhere so let’s purify the human race together and then we can go build the glorious City of Man next to Pandemonium when we go where the humans go! For humanity!

Love,

Elon Musk, God-Emperor of Humanity

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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the only way to criticize Elon Musk is by writing what passes for the campiest science fiction of all time by modern standards, and he doesn’t receive all that much criticism in public where you aren’t allowed to like that kind of thing despite the obscene popularity of Stranger Things, Rick and Morty, etc. What everyone does is different than what they are allowed to do and it could hardly be more dramatic.