Mammon Man Takes on Alleged Pauperheroes and Paupervillains

By the Almighty Dollar!

By the power of the Almighty Dollar!

Hello, it’s me, Mammon Man, and today I have to ask: Why do superheroes and villains bother existing if they’re just so poor? In fact, how can you consider yourself super at all if you don’t have at least one trillion USD? More like pauperheroes and paupervillains, amirite or amirite?

Take for example, Superman, or as I like to call him, Superpoor. For one, his job is working as a news reporter for the Daily Planet. If Superpoor is so good, why doesn’t he become a CEO of something? He shouldn’t even become CEO of the Daily Planet, no, he should just become CEO of the planet, like the ruler of it, but make it work like a corporation instead of some silly government with a constitution! Also, Superpoor doesn’t even have a private jet! Superpoor can’t even afford to fly first class! He’s so poor he flies by just sticking his arms out and making his body lift! Pathetic! Never mind all the manual labor he does, such as lifting cars. I’ve never even drove a car, much less lifted one over my head! How does anyone have any respect for Superpoor?

I also have no respect for the Fantastic Poor. Whenever I’m flying my spaceyacht, they are just sitting on the surface of a planet or something like some kind of white rocket trash living in a rocket park. The Human Poor might be able to burn planets, but I can burn cash. Too bad for them that the Poor Thing is made out of rocks and not platinum. Mr. Poortastic has a job as a scientist, but instead of focusing on making gold he makes vibranium so I don’t care. The Invisible Poor is so poor you can’t even see her on national TV and she reflects any material wealth you throw at her with the sheer force of nothing she owns. Dumb.

The Silver Surfpoor is so poor from spending all his time as a space beach bum surfing that he’s not made of platinum, he’s not even made of gold, he’s made of silver. Everyone knows how worthless that is. He also doesn’t have a private jet, just like Superpoor, except he at least has a surfboard made of silver instead of being so poor he flies just using his body, not that the silver surfboard has that much higher of a monetary value than absolutely nothing anyway.

Galactipoor is a complete useless eater. He has no job, he just eats and eats until he consumes entire planets. It’s a wonder you can’t just deport him back to space for not having a working visa since all he does is eat.

Captain Ameripoor is so poor he had to enlist in the U. S. military, which everyone knows is a job for poor losers. He can’t properly represent the U. S. while being such a lazy commie who can’t even get a real job as a CEO. This welfare queen gets a serum from the government to make himself stronger, but all he does with it is punch wealthy and worthy aristocrats like Hitler. How can the serum be all that super if he’s stuck at the rank of captain in the U. S. armed forces rather than, say, CEO of America?

The Poor Hulk can’t even afford a shirt in his size. He also has a day job as an academic scientist. Someone clearly wasn’t good enough for the Thiel Fellowship, or a job at a plus-size clothing store.

The Incredible Spiderpoor also works as a pathetic academic scientist due to failing to meet the standards of the Thiel Fellowship. Not only that, he’s so poor he lives on the streets, and he wears a mask because he’s so ashamed he wants no one to ever see his face. How much money do spiders make anyway? I’ve never seen a spider with a bank account. Spiders are always trying to live in my house since they can’t afford their own. Dirty Spiderpoor is just a complete worthless insect to me.

The X-Poors are just completely useless. Charles Xavipoor also works as a lazy academic scientist, and he reads minds. Why do I care what a bunch of paupers are thinking? I would rather read my bank account statements. Pass!

Poorverine is so poor that he still can’t retire after hundreds of years. He also can’t afford even the most basic weapon and fights with his nails like some kind of animal. He clearly can’t even afford his own medical care since he gets it from Xavipoor and the other X-Poors when he’s not just forgoing care entirely despite the fact he’s lost both his arms, both his legs, and his head while receiving all sorts of stab, bullet, and burn wounds. He’s also from Japan and everyone knows how poor they are.

Poorstique can change her form. I think she can keep the change, because she clearly needs it.

Jean Grey the Poor Phoenix has died so many times and she doesn’t even have a life insurance policy. You’d think the X-Poors would want to capitalize on this if they weren’t a bunch of poor commies who live at a school since they aren’t even smart enough to drop out like Mark Zuckerberg or Elon Musk, and are brainwashed by their leftist professor who’s also poor and can’t be very smart because he’s poor.

Magnetnomoney can apparently control metal with his mind, but despite this, he can’t even attract coins to himself or he wouldn’t be so broke. He has a helmet because apparently Xavipoor cares what he thinks even though he’s poor, because they’re both poor, so whatever. He founded the League of Poor Mutants to advertise how poor he was to the world, even though the X-Poors were already poor. If you want to not be poor you should start a hedge fund, not a group for non-human animals who are so poor most of them don’t even have a helmet.

Poor Storm can control the weather, but good luck if you want her to make it rain.

Poor Beast also works as a dumb academic scientist who can’t drop out and start Facebook, and he’s so poor he lives like a literal animal.

Doctor Poor can see the Universe and other universes with his Eye of Agamotto, but that’s pretty worthless since he doesn’t see endless champagne and caviar on his table. He also works as a medical doctor, which, sheesh, how poor can you get. He was so poor he had to learn sorcery instead of just paying someone to fix his hands when he injured them. He also got the Eye of Agamotto for free instead of just buying a necklace from Zale’s like someone with actual money.

The other Doctor Poor is so poor he can’t even afford pants. He sits on the surface of Mars alone because he’s homeless and no one wants to be around someone as broke as him. He has a tattoo of an atom on his forehead, representing the one atom that is his sole possession because of how little he owns. This also has to be the size of his brain, since as we all know, if he were smart, he would have a spaceyacht like me. He was also clearly too dumb to drop out of college, even though he’s a PhD doctor and not an MD doctor, which is probably worse. He also works as a manual laborer, and I think I actually own a couple dozen watches made by him.

Poorschach is so poor he has to eat beans out of a can at someone else’s house. He is also so poor he is embarrassed to show his face in public just like Spiderpoor. At least Poorschach can afford guns and other weapons instead of fighting with his nails like some kind of animal like Poorverine does. Poorschach doesn’t like the government, probably because it can afford to drop exploding squids on big cities and he can’t even afford normal calamari. If he only stopped being poor he’d receive as many government subsidies as my megacorporations do, so he could stop hating the government like the stupid poor he is.

The Poor Lantern is so poor he had some aliens give him a ring also instead of buying one from Zale’s like someone who has money. Since he cannot afford a car, private jet, weapons, armor, or much anything else, he has the ring make them for him, and he also makes them for his welfare queen friends who can’t afford to buy anything either. The Poor Lantern is truly one of the laziest bums of all, and worse, he even enables others to be lazy.

Pooreye can’t afford a gun so he just shoots a bow and arrow like some sort of savage.

Poortanna is so poor she doesn’t even own an Eye of Agamotto, she just casts spells from her heart by talking backwards, which is completely free. Imagine being so poor you can’t even afford magic artifacts or spell components. She also works as a stage magician, which has an even lower income than a medical doctor. One chair on my spaceyacht is worth more than the entire stage magic industry.

The Poor Rider is so poor he had to bargain with Mephistopheles to get a motorcycle. At least Poorverine could actually afford to buy his on his income instead of having to sell his soul to a seedy underworld pawn shop, even if maybe he should’ve saved that money to be able to finally retire after hundreds of years. The Poor Rider will certainly not be able to retire for hundreds of years either since his boss works in the afterlife. If he had a brain he would’ve sold his soul for some Roth IRAs like me. I mean, got some Roth IRAs like me. Are you saying he was trying to save his mom from cancer? Too bad she was so poor her son had to sell his soul. She should’ve just died since she was clearly too poor to live.

Deadpoor was also so poor that he almost died of cancer, but instead he went in for experimental medical treatment. Unlike Poorverine, at least he’s still young so he doesn’t have to be retired yet and he can afford weapons, and he also has the sense to work as a mercenary and demand more cash unlike Captain Ameripoor the Winter Socialist instead of working as a loser government soldier. However, he’s so poor he can’t even afford his own comic books despite the fact he clearly reads them, so he also should’ve tried to become a CEO of some dark web hitman company or something instead of just killing people for cash like a lowly peasant. Then he could be on his way to become CEO of Canada and then the world.

The Poor Flash is so poor, he can’t even afford a car, much less a private jet or spaceyacht, so he has to run around on foot like an absolute serf. He also worked as a scientist, which, yawn, more pauperheroes just need to drop out of college to show they have brains already.

By the Almighty Dollar, this has been Mammon Man! I’m flying out of here, in my private jet of course, not by levitating my body or flapping wings like all these pauperheroes and paupervillains! Cash out!